


Run too your death

by Ha_Young



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Crying, Depression, Fluff, M/M, Panic Attacks, Running Away, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-22
Updated: 2018-11-25
Packaged: 2019-05-10 07:29:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14732580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ha_Young/pseuds/Ha_Young
Summary: And he runs and runs, he's ashamed of himself, he had hurt him. How could he ever done that?! He didn't deserve to live, he needed to disappear, and he knew exactly how.





	1. Smile

**Author's Note:**

  * For [District_9](https://archiveofourown.org/users/District_9/gifts).



> This is a different story then my last one. 
> 
> Read the warnings in the beginning

I woke up with a smile. This hadn't happened in like two weeks. I slowly stood up so I could get dressed. 

Suddenly Chan entered the room. "Oh, you're already awake, great! We leave in 30 minutes, we have a radio interview. Be ready by then." 

"Thank you, Chan-hyung" I said. He closed the door with a smile. I quickly took a black hoodie and some jeans. Before leaving my room and quickly rushing to the bathroom before any of the other members managed to. 

I was right on time. The moment I reached the door Jisung came out of his room yelling: "No, wait! Let me go first! Please, I need the shower!"   
"I'm sorry Hyung, I was first." I yelled back before closing the door.

I quickly undressed myself because I knew that if I took a shower that would last too long, Jisung would storm in and drag me out so he could use it himself.

I looked at myself in the mirror and the only thing I saw was a disappointment and something disgusting. I quickly got into the shower. So I wouldn't become sad when I woke up with a smile.

Two minutes later I was right as Jisung stormed in the bathroom. Boy was I happy you couldn't look through the glass from the shower. Because otherwise he could see my cuts and that would be terrible.

"Are you almost done? Hyunjin-hyung made pancakes for us and I need to take a shower get out of it." He complained. 

"Please Jisung give me at least ten minutes. I'm not even under the shower for more than three. I will be out in five." I said while holding my laugh.

Jisung got out of the bathroom. And I washed my hair. I got out of the shower and I touched my thighs. They were covered in cuts, cuts because I'm ugly, disappointing,f*ggot... Right now I don't have the time to cut and I'm kind of happy today. I put on my clothes and I got out of the bathroom. I walked to the kitchen and took a plate.

"Hi Hyung did you sleep well this night?" our sweet maknae asked me. 

"Yeah I did, did you sleep well?" I asked him with a smile. He's really a smiley. 

We waited till the others were here and then we started eating.

"Guys we need to leave in 5 minutes please be ready by then" our beloved leader announced. "Of course Chan-hyung we will be ready." I told him looking to our maknae.

After breakfast everybody was ready to leave except me. I ran quickly to the bathroom and took my blade with me for you never know.

"ARE YOU ALMOST READY WE NEED TO LEAVE!" Minho yelled I quickly ran out and took my bag because after the interview we got a dance practice. And after that I wanted to practice some time alone. When I passed the kitchen I took my bottle of water. I left the snacks on the table that Hyunjin left for me. I ran to the hallway where everybody already was.

"Come on let's go were already late." Minho said. I immediately felt guilt rush through my veins. If we're going to be late than it's my fault. 

We got in the van I took a back seat next to the window. I hoped my crush wouldn't sit next to me but of course he did. We were best friends. But I feel something more for him. But nobody knows.

"Guys would you mind if I went to sleep I'm still kind of tired." I announced "oh no, of course not but are you alright." My crush asked. Was I alright,i don't know. Physically yes mentally no

"Yeah I'm fine, Woo-Jin Hyung could you pass me a bottle of water for a second." I said. Woo-Jin looked back at me. He sat on the second row next to Chan. And next to Chan sat Jisung. And on the first row sat Hyunjin, Minho and Jeongin. And that leaves me my crush and my roommate on the last row. 

I got my bottle of water. And I got to sleep. I was tired and I didn't even know why. I had a feeling something was going to happen.


	2. Dance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's just a story nothing I real I hope you enjoy
> 
> Warning: abuse, rude language

We arrived at our company. I got out of the car. But then I noticed that my parents and my friends out Australia where standing next to our company building. They where waiting for me. But why. 

I ran to them. But before I could reach them my band members where already there.

"What do you think of our suprize?" Seungmin asked me with his innocent voice.

"I... I'm so happy. What did I do to deserve this." I said close to tears. I saw my moms eyes full of love. I ran the last meters to her and I gave her a hug. "Mom I missed you." When I said that her hug tighten around my waist.

Than I looked at my dad he came closer to me and I smiled at him. But his reaction wasn't what I expected. It was the opposite of it.

"Why are you smiling at me you moron. How do you even dare to look at me, your worthless bitch." The smile he had when I got out of the car changes immediately, to a hateful disgusting one. And the hug of my mom tightened even more till the point it was hurting me. 'She's protecting me from him how sweet' I thought. But of course that wasn't true, her hug tightened till it hurts so bad on my abdomen that I couldn't handle it anymore. 

"Mom please let me go you're hurting me." I begged with a pained voice.

"So you don't want my love." She said sarcastically "of course not. And you will never get my love because you aren't worth it." And after that she pushed me to the ground. 

I fell ,hitting the floor with my back, but I was quickly to recover from the shock and pain, I stood up but than my friends came to me.

"You know we aren't your friends right? And we will never be. Because we don't want to be friends with someone as worthless as you. You can't do anything right." Max said (sorry for the people who are having the same name I don't mean anything it's just a random name) almost spitting on me. He closed the last distance between us and than kicked me in the nuts and in my stomach. 

I tried to stand up again. Silence tears streamed against my cheek.

"Pff why are you crying, we where just giving you what you deserve." Liam said (just a random name i don't mean anything with this name). I saw that he raised his fist in the air. But I was to late to protect myself so when his fist came down, he hit my jaw. I cried out in pain. Then he kicked my knee and said "I told you to shut up you idiot."

I held my cries in because I didn't want another kick or hit. But of course that didn't work because my father saw me holding it in. So he came closer and kicked my lower back. I still tried to be still but the pain was to much. So I let out a screech, but as quiet as I could. But they heard me. 

The rest of my friend group came to me. Max and Liam held my hands and legs so I couldn't fight back. They held me so the other could hit me, otherwise it wouldn't be fair.

The first one who came to the front was Michel. (Again it's just a random name) "YOU'RE FAT, UGLY AND A WASTE OF OXYGEN!!!" He yelled at me. Than he started kicking me in the stomach and on my legs, he smacked his fist into my eyes. "It will definitely become blue" I thought in the 5 second break I got before I got hit again.

I screamed it out because I knew they would kick me even if I kept quiet so I didn't care anymore.

So all my friends did the same kicking and hitting me on different places. I kept screaming.

Than I looked at my left and saw all of the members standing there just watching. 

Max and Liam suddenly let my arms go. I didn't expect it so I felt to the ground. My knees who where kicked a few seconds ago by my friends caught the blow.

I looked again at the members but they still didn't do anything. 

Suddenly Chan came to me I thought he would help me. Escape from them because he was the leader he cared about us.

He picked me up and put me on my feets. "Why did I let you in our group. You can't even stand or sing or dance. You can't even handle a few hits. You're pathetic." 

I looked at him in shook not because he was lying. I knew it was the truth. But that he still picked me up. I was dirt, a waste of oxygen I didn't deserve to live.

Woo-Jin came to me next when chan turned his back at me. 

"You know I hate your voice. It's so freaking ugly it's so hard to listen to it I can't imagine how 3racha feels when they help composing the songs. I would die if I was them." Woo-Jin was so serious when he said that. That I just immediately knew it was the truth.

"You know when Minho got eliminated we where so sad and cried the whole day. But when you where eliminated we cried for the camera. But when you where out of the dorm we where laughing and partying because you finally where gone." Jisung said with so much disgust in his voice that It would kill everyone who wasn't death already. But I was death on the inside. So I couldn't die because of that. I wish I could die.

"Do you know how hard it is to always say Hyung to him on camera. You say Hyung for respect. But I don't respect him, I'm looking down on him. But I still need to call him Hyung, he doesn't even deserve that title." The maknae of the group said this as if I'm not even there. I knew he was right he shouldn't waste his energy on me.

"Why don't you say anything back. Or can't you speak our something. Oh right. You shouldn't say anything. You would hurt or ears. I hope you lose your voice so you can't torture anyone with it." Minho said this and I wish I could give them what they wanted, I wish my voice would just disappear.

"Guys you know what is worse than All of your complaints . I need to share a room with him. So you guys shouldn't complain." Seungmin announced loud and clear. I looked at him and I knew I should leave so he could share a room with someone else or have a room for his own.

"And you're complaining about that what do I have to say. From the moment we leave the dorm the be in the public, I need to pretend to be his best friend. I'm even shipped with him. You don't know how disgusting this is." Changbin announced it almost Screaming.

"Guys don't argue about that. He's not worth it." Chan said trying to calm down the members. Wow he's a really good leader. But he's right I'm not worth their attention.

"You guys should go dance. Your dance practice is going to start." My dad said to us. I was relieved I could leave them all. But when I wanted to follow my dad held me back.

"Don't you think you're already enough of a burden for them. You can stay here you dumbass" my dad said this with so much hate in his voice.

"You know, I wish you died. Why were you even born." My mother announced this like she said a thousand time.

" I know mom, I know." That was my honest response because I wished I was dead.

My dad came closer to me and he just took my hair in his hand and began pulling on it really hard. I had the feeling my head was torn apart and it was bleeding.

"Dad let go it hurts pls let me free." It was my first time to say something. I was surprised it last so long before I could say something.

"How dare you to talk to me, and I'm not your dad anymore! YOU UNDERSTAND!!!" He yelled while hitting me on my nose with his hand that wasn't holding my hair.

I screamed out. When I looked back at my dad I saw that his eyes where gone. Than I looked at my mom and my friends there eyes. There eyes where gone to, instead there where black holes. 

My dad threw me on the ground. My back hitting a rock in the meanwhile. I screamed out again when I saw that there nails where suddenly incredible long and sharp. My parents and friends came closer to me they circled around me.

"Pls leave me alone. Please." I cried out

"...IX, FELIX" a voice called me

"Don't hurt me. I cried out when I heard the voice.

"I'm not going to hurt you." The same voice said it

I looked at my friends and I didn't see there mouth move when the person was talking. 

It scared the creeps out of me. So I yelled again.

"Leave me alone. I'm..." 

"FELIX please wake up! We aren't going to hurt to you. Open your eyes please." A different voice said this. I knew this voice it was our beloved leader.

I looked at the building and I saw him standing there looking at me with a questioned face. But with no eyes there where black holes. I yelled again. I covered my ears with my hands.

"Felix please wake up. You're going to be fine. Nobody is going to hurt you." I heard it even if I covered my ears. I cried out. But I recognized the voice. It was from changbin.

I looked back at my mom and dad They where ready to cut my neck with there nails.

But I was screaming as crazy when. I finally woke up. I sat up with a start.

"FELIX breath you're awake now" Jisung said. But I was to confused to really understand what was true and what not. I thought I was still dreaming.

I started crying and Screaming

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed it. Next chapter will be out really soon


	3. Practice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [B]Warning: self-harm, crying

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys I'm not death. 
> 
> Here's a new chapter after like forever. Pls enjoy read the summary for warning because I don't want people to be triggered.

"Felix take some deep breaths for me" Jisung said trying to pull my face up so I would look at him. Because my head was on my knees. Avoiding everyone's eyes.

His attempt was useless because I refused. My brain was to confused to be sure that everything wasn't real.

I knew those nails and eyes where a dream, of course I did. But I still didn't thrust this situation fully.

I know I just should look up but I couldn't bring myself to.

_What if what they said was true, do they really think this about me? Am I a waste of space and oxygen? I shouldn't be alive. I drag the group down. It was good that I was eliminated. I should loose weight I'm to fat. Look a_ _Changbins_ _arms they're so strong. And than you have my spaghetti once_.

_I need to work more and harder. I should...._ My thoughts where stopped. Because of woojin he had been trying to get my attention for some time now. Because it didn't work he had wet a towel with cold water. And placed it on my neck.

When I noticed the cold and the wetness I flinched. Because of that I looked up right into the eyes of Hyunjin. He looked worried.

"Felix-ssi shh stop crying everything will be alright it was just a dream." He said with such a calm voice. _Why is he being this nice to me and since when am I crying_ _?_ _Wasn't he the one who was mad at me for speaking. He hates my voice._

"Ix Hyung" jeongin got me out of my thoughts again.

I looked around me, not responding to what they all said. Only now I noticed we weren't in the car anymore. We where in the studio, or dance studio.

I was probably looking confused because woojin started to speak again " or interview is placed to an other day because the Mc is sick. So or manager said we should go to dance practice immediately so we could be home sooner."

I just nodded but still something wasn't right here.

''Uhm how did I get out of the car?" I asked. My voice sounded upset and tired even if I did my best to let it sound as my normal voice.

_Now I get why they hate it I really need to talk less._

"Hyung, we tried to wake you up just like Hyunjin and Jeongin. They also fell asleep right after you did. But none of you wanted to wake up and the driver needed to be somewhere. So there was only one solution we could do and that was to carry you all inside." Seungmin started saying but Jeongin took over.

"I woke up right before they wanted to pick me up. But you and Hyunjin didn't wake up on time. Minho carried Hyunjin inside and Changbin did the same with you."

I looked over to Changbin and he was just relaxing some meters away from me.

_I need to thank him for it._

"So okay let's start practice will we." I spoke up looking at the ground.

"Felix you're sure you're alright. Maybe you should sit this one out. That dream wasn't a nice one" Jisung said this sounding really worried.

Jeongin took a bottle of water and gave it to me. Now i realized how thirsty I was so I gulped the whole bottle down.

When I was done I realized I drank the whole bottle of water and it was Jeongins. I immediately felt guilt rushing through my veins. I stood up and picked my bottle from my backpack and gave it to Jeongin.

"Hyung keep it. I took like 6 bottles with me for if someone was still thirsty after his own." I was so shocked from how clever or maknae was. _He's growing up_

"Thanks Jeongin-ah. We lost already enough time so let's start with or practice what do you think?" Without waiting for a answer I plugged in my phone for or music and got to the start position. The others throwing me a worried look but following quickly.

I only didn't notice Chan sending a text to or manager that they would stop earlier because Felix was sick and Hyunjin was to tired to be as good as always. The manager said it was okay for once. They could stop in 4 hours instead of 8. But if Felix would get worse they needed to stop immediately.

After 4 hours of practice they ended with insomnia. They got ready for the next round. But Chan quickly ran to the phone and stopped it.

"Guys we're going home. Take your stuff we're leaving." He announced.

He went to the bench where there stuff was laying on and started to pack.

"Chan Hyung isn't it early to stop completely with practice, another break yes but why stopping completely?" Jisung asked confusing clearly on his face.

"First of all we're all tired. Look at Jeongin, Hyunjin and Felix they felt asleep in in the car. Second I think we all can use some sleep and I have some work to do at home. So come on guys let's go home." Chan replied while taking his music box.

The others quickly gathered there stuff.

_I should stay behind I need to work more. I still can't do the dance good enough. I'm still not good enough. I don't deserve rest or food. I need to learn Korean. Sleep is for the weak yes I'm weak but I need to get better. I need..._ My thoughts where running 100km/h I couldn't keep up with them I only saw one solution my blade.

I quickly said I needed to use the bathroom. And I closed the door. I took my blade out and started to roll up my pants so my thighs could be seen and started to slide the blade through my skin. And again and again after 8 cuts I stopped because I needed to get to my friends. I saw the blood dripping down my thighs and quickly cleaned them out. I left the bathroom and saw that only Chan and Woojin where waiting for me.

"Come Felix the others are waiting in the car." Woojin said I quickly gathered my stuff and walked to the door. Woojin started to walk in the derection of the car.

But when I paste Chan he grabbed my arm and whispered "Felix-ah we need to talk when we're home okay?"

It wasn't a question what he wanted me to answer. So I just nodded I knew this would happen after my nightmare it was oblivious there was something wrong.

We got in the car and there was only one seat available, between Minho and Hyunjin so I took my place there. They where way too active on this moment and I only wanted to sleep. But that talk with Chan is bothering me.

Minho was bothering Hyunjin with smacking his head and stuff like that. And I was his shield. So I got some smacks as well.

"Minho Hyung and Hyunjin-ah quite it okay!" Changbin scolded both of the members. After that they quiet down.

The rest of the car ride was done in silence. I could finally relax a little. Before I knew it Seungmin was waking me up. _Since when did I fell asleep_? I noticed some weight on my shoulder. I turned my head 96° and I saw Minho Hyung sleeping on me.   
_Aish this kid is unbelievable_

"Minho-hyung wake up we're home" I tried but he didn't move. So I just unbuckled him and I putted him over my shoulder like a bag of flower.

I got inside together with Seungmin. He was walking next to me, chatting and Minho was still sleeping on my shoulder.

We got into our dorm, and I looked around watching what the others were doing.

Jisung was making himself a cup of coffee while he was chatting with Jeongin about a game I wasn't interested in.

Hyunjin walked in the derection of the bathroom to take a shower.

Changbin was reading something on his phone on the couch.

Woojin was just standing thinking what he could do till Hyunjin was out of the shower.

In the mean while Seungmin went to Woojin and was his clingy self and started hugging Woojin.

The only one missing was Chan because Minho was still laying on my shoulder. I knew he was waiting for me. So I walked in the derection of the couch where binnie Hyung was sitting on and dropped Minho on Changbin's lap.

I went to the kitchen avoiding Chan as long as I could. Only the problem was I didn't know where he was. So I just entered the kitchen.

"Felix we need to talk." He said this in English and in his leader voice, the moment I entered the kitchen.            


   


  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading if you want to leave a comment see you soon


	4. The talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe he will tell someone about his feelings.
> 
> Or maybe he won't

I left and there he was, sitting on a chair in the kitchen. I just remembered that Jisung and Jeongin where in the kitchen as well.

"maybe later Hyung I still need to take a shower I will be right back." I turned around and walked away.

I knew Chan would look at me like I just lost my mind but I didn't care.

I didn't notice Jisung looking at me and then at Chan with a questioning look. Chan just shook his head. And got up and took a glass of water.

Jeongin just left the kitchen he knew this was nothing for him when he passed me he just said "good luck Hyung you will be alright."

I watched where he was going to and I saw that he was going in the derection of Minho. He woke up some minutes ago.

I head of in the direction of my room to collect my pyjamas because I decided i should sleep after my shower. Chan would probably wait for me but I wasn't looking forwards to it. I'm just going to try and avoid him.

When I got my stuff that I use for the shower I went in the direction of the bathroom and on one clue Hyunjin came out of the bathroom.

"Hey lix-ah don't stay up to late okay and hurry up with your shower. So the others can take their own as well."

"Of course Hyunjin can you say to Woojin-hyung I'm not eating dinner with you guys"

"Are you getting sick?" He said immediately. Inspecting me from button to top.

"Not really I just have a small headache and I'm so tired I think I would fall asleep at the table. So I'm just going to my bed immediately." I start walking again in the direction of the bathroom.

"Uh okay. But make sure to eat a big breakfast tomorrow." Hyunjin replied walking in the direction of Woojin to let him know I wouldn't eat with them.

I closed the bathroom and started to take my towel out of the cabinet. When I heard what I was waiting for.

"Woojin-hyung Felix isn't going to eat with us!" Hyunjin shouted from what I could hear. He probably was in the living.

"Why isn't he eating with us. Is he getting sick or something!" Woojin yelled kind of back. I heard him walking in the direction of the bathroom maybe to check on me.

"No, he only has a small headache probably because he's tired so I send him to bed after his shower."

When I heard that I was so happy with this Hyung. He didn't know that I wanted to be alone but still he did what I wanted.

_But what about Chris I'm 100% sure he wouldn't let me be. He still wanted to do that talk. But if I can get to my room without him noticing and maybe trying to sleep or at least acted like it. I'm sure he will leave me for now._

I quickly undressed myself and I jumped into the shower.

I was washing my hair when I heard Woojin call everyone for dinner.

 _If I wait for a few minutes Chan will be eating and I can slip into my room and try to catch some sleep_.

So with that plan in my mind I quickly washed my body and put on my pyjamas. Then I dried the shower, brushed my hair and did the other necessary things. I checked my new cuts I made today. Because of the shower they were burning.

After this I quietly opened the bathroom door. And I was right on time to hear Chan say "guys I will come immediately. I first need to check on Felix."

I panicked and quickly went to my room. I jumped in my bed. Put my earphones in and played music.

Chan left the kitchen area and walked to the bathroom. He knocked. " Felix are you still in here?" Of course he didn't get an answer. I left the bathroom 3 minutes ago.

He opened the door but saw nothing. Shaking his head he went to the bedroom is shared with Woojin,I.N and Minho. He softly knocked on this door as well.

I didn't response I closed my eyes. And pretend to be a sleep.

Again Chan opened the door. He looked around till his eyes fell on my 'sleeping' from.

He sighed and came in the room. For once my acting was good because the next thing I noticed was that the room became darker and that the door was closed again.

_He probably did the lights out. Thanks I forgot about those maybe I can sleep for real tonight. I'm really tired._

I sighed and did my earphones out. I hadn't lied to Hyunjin. I really had a headache and the music was only making everything worse.

♪♪♪♪

"Yep he's already asleep. I think he needs it." Chan said to the rest of the members. He sat down at the table and started eating.

 _Smart Felix. Really you did a good job. But don't think I will forget about the talk. Just you wait my friend_.

"...an-hyung Chan-hyung?" Jeongin called out to me.

"Hmm uh yes Jeongin-ah?" I quickly replied. I was thinking too much because of that I didn't hear them asking me something.

"Could you pass the water to me Hyung. And is everything alright. I tried calling you for like 2 minutes already." Jeongin replied worried.

I quickly took the bottle with water and passed it to Jeongin. " Don't worry Jeongin-ah I was just thinking "

"Hyung is thinking that doesn't mean anything good." Jisung said teasingly. I stood up, walked to him and smacked his head "you brat, I'm older than you have some respect" I replied teasingly.

The rest of dinner went over comfortable. Nothing special happened.

After dinner I started cleaning the table when a worried Changbin came standing next to me.

"Binnie what's wrong?" I asked with a calm voice to let them know he could tell me what was bothering him.

He flinched he didn't expect me to see how distress he was.

"Uh I'm fine Hyung. Don't worry."

"Binnie just spill the beans what wrong." I became worried about him he wasn't in his normal doing.

"It's just I'm worried something is bothering lixie. He was so quiet today. And he barely ate. I didn't saw him getting breakfast. And when I went in the kitchen after dance practice the snacks that Hyunjin-hyung prepared for him where still there. He also skipped dinner. So I would be surprised if he ate something today." Changbin rambled on a rapid speed, he was like rapping.

"Slow down binnie. And I noticed to. That's why I needed to talk to him. I'm incredibly worried about him."

"Why didn't you wake him up than." He sounded so upset. He should never sound this upset none of his members.

"Because I know how bad he's sleeping these days. And I thought he can use every little bit of sleep that he can get. Go to your room and try to sleep as well. Tomorrow we will figure everything out." I gave Changbin a hug and pushed him in the direction of the room. I saw him walking away. And I turned back around to do the rest of the dishes.

It was 23:30 (11:30pm) when I was done with all the work that needed to be done in the house.

The only ones awake still where Woojin, Changbin even if I send him to bed. He came down a half and a hour ago stating he couldn't sleep. We all sat down in the living room watching series Woojin and Changbin loved.

When this episode was over i rushed them both away. To their rooms so they could sleep.

 _I need to call the manager to say Felix is still sick and that he needs to stay in the house. So that I can talk to him when there's nobody else in the house I know he will not open up to me when they're others in the dorm. To afraid that they would hear him. It's not really the nightmare that's bothering me but what I heard when he was in the bathroom_.

I was thinking over what was going on and I forgot to look at the clock

♪♪♪♪

I tried to get to sleep. But I couldn't, everything that happened today replayed in my head. I f*cked dance practice up, I had a nightmare in front of everyone, I cut myself while other members were waiting, I saw the hurt in Hyunjin his eyes when he noticed I didn't eat his snacks, I worried almost all the members. And I thought today was going to be a great day. Yeah right.

I sighed. I wanted to sit up but suddenly the door cracked open again. I saw 2 people walking in. They tried to be so quiet. Suddenly there was a loud noise. "Minho-hyung look out. You're going to wake Felix up. You know what Woojin would do to you when he would know" Jeongin scolded his Hyung.

"Guys it's alright. I'm still awake" I replied both of the guys flinched when they heard my voice. They were chocked.

"Oh lix-ah you okay? Why are you still awake. You went to bed already 2 hours ago." Minho worriedly said. He turned around and walked in the direction of my bed.

_See what you did. You spoke up. They think your voice is ugly. How dumb can you be. You're u moron a pig. Be happy you didn't eat today. But be more careful tomorrow because they will notice._

I slowly sat up and looked at them. With curious tired eyes.

"Jeongin-ah go make yourself ready. The bathroom is free." Minho lead I.N  
In the direction of the bathroom.

"Okay Felix. What's going on are you alright?"

"Uh Hyung Don't worry I'm fine. I just couldn't sleep because of my headache you know." Minho nodded "Do you want me to get some pain medication?" He already turning away from me even before I could answer. " I will be right back just getting it and a glass of wa-" before he could leave the room I cut him of "nah Hyung don't worry it's not this bad you know. But could you guys hurry up a little because I want to sleep for real right now.

10 minutes later Minho and Jeongin were both in their beds. I listen there breathing evening out some minutes later. I still couldn't sleep even if I was tired. I laid in my bed staring at the ceiling for some time. When I heard footsteps. The last members where getting to their beds as well probably Woojin and Chan.

I looked at the clock it was 23:45 (11:45pm) when the bedroom door opened. I looked at my sight to see Woojin making his way to his part of the room. As quiet as possible. When his eyes fell on me. I started panicking.

"Lix-ah why are you still awake you went to sleep 4 hours ago. Is everything alright?' he asked worriedly.

"Oh Hyung I just woke up so don't worry. I think I'm just thirsty." I lied to him. When those words were out in the free air I immediately felt guilt rush through my veins. _I made Woojin-hyung worried I'm such a brat. How could I._ You're a disrespectful pig and I even lied to him. You should be death. Nobody lies to Woojin.

We quickly said good night to each other. I listen how woojin-hyung's breath became calm and slow. I knew he fell asleep and now I was alone again.

_When am I not feeling alone. Even with others around me I feel lonely. I'm the worse friend someone can have. I'm just a burden. A waste of space. A pretty face. My friends where right I don't deserve to life. There kicks when we were younger, I deserved them all. Nobody can handle me. I'm a irritating little prick......._

I didn't noticed I was crying till I heard woojin-hyung stirring in his sleep. And my cheeks getting wetter and wetter.

I tried to suppress a sob. But even that couldn't I do right. I stood up from my bed shivering from the cold. Quickly taking a hoodie that was spread somewhere around the room. I walked out of it as quiet as possible to not wake the others members. They deserve there rest.

I went to the kitchen maybe I was really tired and it was the place the farthest away from the rooms. I was still crying so how farther I am from them how less chance I have that they will hear me.

I passed Chan-Changbin hyungs room and I saw there was still lights on. I considered to go inside to get a hug from Chan and Changbin. But I got against it. I'm already a burden. I shouldn't do this. So I just walked farther in the direction of the kitchen. When I went through the living room I didn't notice there was still a person sitting on the couch watching something on tv. I only noticed when he called my name.

"Felix-ah where you going. You should be asleep." I turned my head to the person who was speaking.

I saw the last person that I wanted to see. Chan I knew if I wouldn't get away he would want to make the talk now. So I just turned my head away and walked to the kitchen. Looked in the cabinets for a bottle of water. And a painkiller because the lie from the headache is now a reality.

When I had my stuff I turned back to walk to the other kitchen door to not go through the living room again. Because I know he would get mad at me for ignoring him.

But sadly enough he was behind me. Looking at me with a look I couldn't decipher.

"Felix we need to talk. Come with me." He took my wrist in his hand luckily for me he took my right wrist the one without cuts.

He brought me to his room and shook his head when he saw the light. He got in I didn't want to so I didn't walk with him. He noticed it and took me with him. Inside the room.

"Chan-hyung you finally came. I was waiting for you....." He looked like he wanted to add something to it. But he saw me and shut up.

"Binnie why aren't you asleep? I told you I would be up for some time." Chan said strict but friendly.

"Anyway Felix is staying the night with us so put or beds together." Chan said and Changbin immediately started doing that. While Chan pulled me in their shared bathroom and closed the door.

"Lix what's wrong why where you crying on this god awful hour? Lix you know you can always come to me. Even if it's this late. Don't worry about waking me up." Chan spoke to me with so much care that I wanted to cry in his embrace.

"It's okay Hyung just a nightmare I'm really okay." I replied not looking him in the eyes.

"If you were alright you wouldn't be ignoring me when I asked you something. And how can you have a nightmare when you're not even asleep."

"H-how did you know that I didn't sleep yet?" I cursed myself for failing to speak normal.

"Woojin-hyung is a good actor you know. He can even his breath on command. He wanted to be sure you would sleep. So when you started crying he was ready to come to you but you stood up and so he send me a message. But why did you ignore me?"

"I just didn't want to talk. I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings by ignoring you." I replied looking at the ground with interest.

"It's alright let's get you ready for bed okay." Chan spoke up again. Taking a wash cloth and dried my face with it. He did some other stuff as well and we left the bathroom.

I looked to Changbin he was sitting on the side waiting for us with a worried expression.

"Felix-ah you okay. Come here. Sit with me." Changbin spoke up. I walked to him and planted myself to his side. We got under the covers and Chan did the lights out. Then he came as well. We started hugging it was exactly what I needed to fall asleep. There tenderness calmed me brain and finally I could get to dream Land.

**Author's Note:**

> It is nothing like my previous story. But I hope you guys have a idea who's the mean character is. It's a short chapter but that means I can update more often. Also it's just the start nothing special happened but if you still liked what you read hit the


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